Most of us, as cops, aren’t struggling in our marriages because we don’t love our spouses. We’re struggling because we don’t always understand precisely how our spouses want to be loved. We sometimes find ourselves expressing ourselves in a manner we prefer, while our spouses are starving in a completely different area.
Gary Chapman’s classic book on this topic, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts is a “must read” for married couples, especially law enforcement spouses. Chapman’s framework is simple. He describes five ways men and women want to be loved in the context of their marriage: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Chapman makes an important point. His book will definitely help us discover our personal love language, but more importantly, it will help us discover our spouses’ needs and preferences. Let’s face it, most of us already know what makes us feel cared for. The real challenge is in discovering what matters to our spouse and learning to speak their language.
If you haven’t yet taken the love language test, I recommend you get Chapman’s book and take it right away.
As officers, we’re trained to rely on what has worked before. On the job, that is wisdom. At home, it can be deadly. If our primary language is Acts of Service, we might find myself showing love by fixing everything, taking extra shifts, or keeping the finances tight. We think, “Look at everything I do for this family.” But if our spouse’s primary language is Quality Time, our acts of service don’t actually make them feel loved; instead, they feel like they’re living alone in a nicely maintained house. As officers, we’re trained to rely on what has worked before. On the job, that is wisdom. At home, it can be deadly. Share on X
Once you know your spouse’s top score in Chapman’s test, it’s time to speak their language. This will look different depending on what makes them feel loved:
If it’s “words of affirmation”: Speak genuine encouragement, not flattery. Identify and celebrate things you admire about their character, parenting, courage, or faith. Written words – notes, texts, letters – are gold for people like this. Avoid casual criticism. A “small” negative comment lands like a flash-bang on people like this. Proverbs says life and death are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). For this kind of spouse, that is literally true.
If it’s “quality time”: Give your spouse your undivided attention – phones down, media off, eye contact on. Plan time doing things your spouse enjoys, even if it is not your favorite. Being present and engaged is the gift that matters to spouse like this. Conversely, nothing is more destructive than being physically present but mentally absent. Scrolling your phone while your spouse is talking says, “You’re not worth my time or attention.”
If it’s “receiving gifts”: Listen for clues about what matters to your spouse, then bring small, meaningful gifts that show you were paying attention – a book they mentioned, or something tied to a memory. Remember important dates and holidays. Missing an anniversary or birthday does not feel like a minor slip to someone who speaks this language; it feels like neglect.
If it’s “acts of service”: Learn your spouse’s “mission list” – the top ten tasks that stress them out – and take the initiative to complete them. The key is attitude. People who speak this language value cheerful assistance, not resentful “box-checking”. Jumping in before being asked also shouts love. Do the task without grumbling. For spouses like this, a grudging favor can feel worse than no help at all.
If it’s “physical touch”: Offer frequent, low-pressure contact. This includes holding hands, sitting close, placing a hand on the back, or a quick shoulder squeeze when you pass in the kitchen. Public affection is also huge; it says, “I’m glad to be seen with you.” Avoid limiting touch to simply sexual contact. Spouses who are wired this way need connection all day, not just at bedtime.
To be sure, some spouses are “bilingual”. When taking Chapman’s test, they find that two scores are nearly tied. That is a blessing because we get two clear pathways to their heart. Even then, do not assume; ask which feels more important in this season.
In a high-stress profession, feelings come and go. Love, as always, is a choice. We already choose hard things every shift. We run toward what others run away from. Choosing to learn and speak our spouse’s love language is just another expression of courage – only this time, the life we are protecting is the life of our marriage.
If you haven’t yet embraced the Savior who understands what makes us feel loved, there is no better time than now to start life anew and share God’s life-changing message with others. The wisdom, guidance, and protection of God is available for anyone who seeks Him.
